Tuesday, May 17, 2005
I Don't Know
I look at other people's lives--or what other people say about their own lives--and they're all so much more complicated than mine. It seems that everybody has more problems than I do. On the same token, however, they have more things to be happy about. Other people's lives are more interesting. If someone wrote a biography about me I'd probably rather read one with more drama, because there'd be none in mine; it seems that in the distribution of drama some people got it all and people like me didn't.
I feel like the reason is that I never really got into the things I do. I'm kind of passive; everything just kind of goes by for me. All around me I see people who are driven hard with farsighted goals while I kind of coast along (somewhat) halfheartedly. It's apparent in the things I do. In track or cross country, I just manage to get by while others constantly push themselves to break records or win competitions. In orchestra, I've been playing for almost 9 years now, but I never really got into it. I see people who live for music and would die for music. I'm constantly alongside people who are more involved than I am.
I never attached myself to any expectations. That's the thing. The second you form strong expectations for something you're setting yourself up to be disappointed. Maybe things will go the way you want them to, but if they don't, you'll feel much worse for it. Failure is easier when you just don't care all that much. So I look around and see the troubled members of my generation, emotionally unstable, lacking motivation, psychologically scattered; they had a dream of what was to happen, and they wanted that dream, they wanted it badly, so badly that when it never came true and became impossible they broke down to pieces.
Having a dream is always a good thing, though--the problem arises with overly strong desire to reach it. Having no dreams can be a problem in itself. This is where I come in. If I stop typing right now and think if I have any clear, strong dreams for my longer-term future, I come up with nothing. Of course, I would like to be successful in one way or another, but that kind of goal is too nebulous. I don't have plans. This is a problem. The question arises all the time, especially in this stage of life: "What do you want to do (with your life)?" "Do you want to be a ________?" "What major will you pursue in college?" My answer is truthfully: I don't know. There's a problem with (this may be a violation of modesty) being good at and enjoying a number of things in life: then the path of life is less clear. If I went into science or math (which I probably will do anyway), I'll feel like I'm wasting my literary, music, or art skills. The other way around too.
It all goes back to that Swiss-Army Knife analogy, in the end. It's late, I'm barely coherent, and I'm pretty much just rambling now. The language probably isn't any good too. And here I am typing this crap when a whole bunch of stuff has been going on in my life for the past couple days and weeks.
# 12:56:00 AM 6 comments
Comments
tints of pessimism, but so very true. once again, uve captured some of the same thoughts ive had far more eloquently than i ever would have--must be a gift lol. u should write more, it's good reading.
# by at 9:05 PM
the other thing that i was planning on writing that somehow got lost in the transition was: a lot of the posts i find most interesting in journals, blogs, and xangas are the angry rant kind. it's nice to read other people's drama.
indeed, tho dont u ever wonder if drama in blogs is only mulling over one thing long enough so that the author gets emotionally charged & hence begins to rant angrily? something along the lines of, in general he/she isnt really that angry/stirred up...it's just another relative peak in an infinite emotional cycle....like a sine curve lol
# by Anonymous at 10:11 PM
the thing about living life like that.. detached and safe is that u never really feel anything deeply. and what happens if you set goals and are passionate about those goals and then u succeed? what could be greater than that. nothing is more fulfilling. not being involved in your own life is scary...
i know this girl who refuses to fall in love b/c she thinks shes too young for a serious relationship. so what does she win? she is saved temporarily from the shit u read in peoples posts, she doesnt ever get crushed or even particularly bothered, but what she misses is so much greater than what she gains. in the long run... which is more painful? the pain u feel when the things u love and work for far apart, or not even knowing how to love something (or be passionate about something) so completely.
i think most people choose to seperate themselves from their lives because they are scared. scared that if they really tried and failed, it would be a direct reflection on them. by not trying, u can always say the reason for failure is because u didnt work for it. the thing u miss is the greatness of working hard for something and getting it.
you should try to participate in your own life.
through all my massive fuck ups, i have felt love and achieved a goal (NEC) and i couldnt be more pleased.
my comment is as long as your post
joanna
# by Anonymous at 1:58 AM
i concur. it's all about balance. i've been trying to change the way i do things for some time now.
and i just realized how the last paragraph of the original post kind of invalidates what was otherwise an insightful piece.
it doesn't invalidate it. it just shows a transition back from a moment of insightful thought. one cant remain lost in thought forever, esp since thinking alone doesnt accomplish anything.
# by Anonymous at 10:25 PM
